Sunday, November 03, 2013

Reflective Morning

It's funny how when you grow up some of your personality as a child stays the same and other things change.

Mum and I were driving to work the other morning when I asked the question "what was I like as a child?" I wanted to know what I thought about, talked about and what I enjoyed back then.

She told me that I liked crafts, being with adults in the middle of all the action and that I was quite a needy child. I also didn't like to share, was very stubborn and rarely played with kids my own age but would hang out with our neighbour who was 7 years older than me. Almost all of that is true for me right now - I don't like to hang out with people my own age, I'm still extremely stubborn and needy (only inwardly) and I hate to share.

We grow and change so much, especially once we leave high school and have more experiences but in some ways you're still the same person you were at 7 or 8 years old. I remember distinct feelings and moments and exactly what I thought during some primary school moments and I still think the same way now. Maybe I appeared differently on the outside than I do now but I don't think my mind has changed at all.

I might have been more extroverted previous to my dad's death but losing him forced me inside a shell that I rarely come out of anymore. I remember the last conversation with my dad so vividly - I was going to school so I went into his room where he was lying in bed and said "I love you. I'll see you when I get home from school" and then I went and hugged him and he kissed me on the cheek. After then I didn't hug people. I thought that if I hugged them, they would die. That was confirmed when I hugged my grandfather goodbye for the first time in years and never saw him again. I spent ten years of my life not hugging anyone except for little kids and you feel so distant from everyone when you live your life with that fear.

For me, I justified not getting close to anyone I really liked with "I'm protecting them. If I don't hug them they won't die." It's very sad and I'm only just getting over it now. Whilst looking through old family pictures I notice how in every picture of dad & I that we're touching in some way or looking at each other. When he left so did my affection towards people. It takes a lot of energy and courage for me to hug someone. People actually say to me now "I know you don't like hugs" even though I haven't said "don't hug me" in about 5 years.

I suppose I better stop now before I work myself up. I know this post was extremely jumbled so I'm sorry if you found it hard to follow. Sometimes emotions and my brain are jumbled and there's not much I can do about it.



  1. This was really beautifully written, and not at all hard to follow. It really spoke to me because i've never been a physical person either. Whats really helped me though is just starting small. I never used to hug my friends or tell anyone I loved them. So now I make it a point to hug my friends when I see them or tell them I love them. It was really uncomfortable for me at first, especially the i love you's, but now I do it as much as possible. Its a great way to be more vulnerable without giving too much of yourself. PS: I think its great that you wrote something so personal. Writing is always a great outlet for expression especially when you don't know what to say. Anyways, I just want you to know I find you really admirable and this is a beautiful post :D

    1. Thanks Christine. I agree that starting small is key. I guess towards the end of high school I started hugging people a little more - I hugged my best friend on the last day and she was really surprised. I think the hard part is that people unknowingly are discouraging once you have gotten the courage and made the decision to hug them. I still don't say "I love you" - sometimes in texts or facebook messages or birthday cards I'll say "love you" but it doesn't carry the same meaning as I love you so it doesn't feel like as big of a deal. It's weird how some people don't even think about it or struggle at all being affectionate and saying I love you but for us it can be such a struggle.

      Thanks for your comment hun. Glad to know I'm not alone ♥

  2. ♥♥♥ this is a beautiful post. i love the photos here too.


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