Monday, January 02, 2017

The Up Series: Life at 24

This year I stumbled across The Up Series. It is a series of documentaries where they asked fourteen people from around various areas in the UK questions about their lives every seven years. I thought it would be an interesting thing for me to do, although I would like to do this series every year, instead of every seven years. I'm very into documenting my life and would love to see how my attitude and life circumstances change from year to year. I'm hoping next year that I will be able to create my own video documentary for this project but for now my One Second Every Day videos will have to do.

1. What is your greatest ambition? 
My greatest ambition is to be a mother. I don't see this answer ever changing. Ever since I was a little girl I have been infatuated with children, and have always pictured myself having kids. I've been pretty consistent with my vision of the future for the last couple of years. I used to want a girl and a boy - just like what my mum had so my kids would have the same dynamic and my brother and I. My vision now involves twin boys and a little girl - I have all of their names planned out and don't share them with anyone except my mum and brother because I fear someone else will have a baby before me and use one of the names. I want my little girl to be called Hope, which I have tattooed, but the boys named remain a secret for now.

2. What is your greatest accomplishment? 
My greatest accomplishment to date is overcoming my depression. I first became depressed after my dad died in 2000 when I was 8 years old, and it took until the end of 2014 when I realised that the year and a half I had spent in therapy had actually worked. It cured me and I was confused about who I was when I was no longer depressed. The world opened up to me, or rather I opened up to the world. Overcoming depression allowed me to be a more confident, talkative, open, and honest person. I was able to let go of a lot of fear and shame that has been holding me back ever since he died.

3. What is the greatest struggle in your life right now? 
My greatest struggle right now is realising that I have a lot more power than I utilise. I'm scared to achieve, I'm scared to be great. I'm scared to have everything I've ever wanted, because I worry that it might not be enough and it won't bring me the happiness I've always thought it would.

4. What is your current goal? 
I have two goals right now. One is to drive more so I can get my hours up so I can be a P Plater. The other is to lose weight. I really have nothing standing in my way anymore, except for my bad habits. My eating and exercise habits really need to change so my health can change for the better.

5. What do you fear?
This is something I rarely talk about because the idea of it is so painful, but the thing I fear most is infertility. Like I've mentioned all I've ever wanted was to be a mum and my biggest fear is that I won't be able to be one. I know that I will be one no matter what, whether it means I have to consider surrogacy or adoption, but I want to experience carrying a child and giving birth to my own flesh and blood.

6. What do you think of love & what/who do you love?
Love is a concept. I've not experienced love and I've not felt loved before. I fear that I will never know how to be in a romantic relationship because I am so stunted in this area. Love requires compromise and sacrifice, and I'm not sure I'm willing to do those things. I think most people don't know what love is, which is why life is so messy.

I love my cameras, vinyl records and tarot & oracle card collection. I love the vision of the future that lives in my head.

7. What do you believe in spiritually?
Honestly whenever somebody asks this I refer them to the television show Charmed. Everything that television show showcases, I believe in. My spiritual practice currently involves a lot of tarot and oracle cards as well as a lot of talking to my Dad, spirit guides and the Angels. I have also recently gotten into guided meditations, though I am not great at switching off yet.

Apart from that I believe in feminism, LGBTQ+ rights, and I believe that the world has a lot of work to do to improve things.

8. What do you do with your time?
Right now I am coming out of a period of nearly 7 months of unemployment. Well, I had a part time job but I worked from home so I have been very introverted and physically, emotionally and mentally inactive. I have spent a lot of time browsing the internet over this period of time and working on my spirituality. I'm hoping that this time next year I spend much less time online and am a more physically active person with some more friends. We'll see...

9. Which people in your life are the closest to you?
My mum and Tom (my brother), and my friends Janice and Sarah. I have other people I talk to and am friends with, but these are the people I speak to nearly every day. Even so, I don't have the level of closeness I desire with any of those people. I crave depth of connection so strongly that even my closest friends and family members don't even come close to satisfying that desire.

10. How do you feel about the opposite sex?
I've been infatuated with boys ever since I can remember. It started with platonic love for my dad, brother and grandfather, then I moved on to having romantic interests in boys in primary school.

These days the opposite sex scares me, and I'm not sure I know why. Maybe it's because of the content I see online - there are scary stories and terrifying things that you see, hear and read on a daily basis, and there's always something that a male can say that will offend me as a woman. It might not make a lot of people happy to read this as us millennials are supposed to be all about ~equality~, but I do think females are the superior sex.

11. What is success to you? 
Living the life you needed to and learning mistakes. Being at peace with how things panned out when you're on your deathbed. I wouldn't be happy with my life if I never had kids or experienced being in love, so if I am able to experience those things that would mean my life was a success.

This was written half way through 2016 to give a more accurate view of what things were like at 24. I turn 25 in a few weeks so I will see you in a year. Please let me know if you do anything like this, I think it would be fun to see how we all change from year to year. ♥


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