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Saturday, August 22, 2015

Unafraid

Lets just go on a journey into the past.... I want you to picture 2005. Ten years ago. Back then I was a very quiet, introverted person. I had a permanent scowl and lot to say, but didn't trust anyone enough or feel comfortable enough to say anything. When I did open my mouth, the words sounded venomous and bitter. I honestly think it's a miracle that I made any friends at the time, let alone still have them all now.

Everything I did back in high school was based around fear. I was fearful of making mistakes, looking stupid, seeming incompetent, being embarrassed, or doing something I would regret and would haunt me forever. What I didn't realise at the time, was that living out of fear is the regret that would haunt me forever.


Unfortunately, I learned some bad habits in high school. Small things I still do every single day to shut people out and minimise any hurt or pain I might experience. Every single day whenever I see someone walking past me on the street while eating lunch or waiting for my bus, I look down. I avoid them. I act like they don't exist. I used this as a coping mechanism in school so the boy I liked would never know so I was not able to be rejected, but nowadays I do it because on some level I still subconsciously think nobody will like me. If I can't see them, they can't see me.

I'm doing my best to be receptive and open to the world and to be honest I'm doing a better job now than I ever have in the past, but I don't know how to force myself to not look down. For years I've had a problem with eye contact because I felt like people could see into my soul when they looked into my eyes and I didn't want them to see how much I was struggling. Nowadays I'm not struggling at all in any area of my life - I'm happy and ready for whatever life wants to offer me. But I still look down.


I know I'm not the only one who's insecure or scared of being hurt. We all are to some extent, but at this point in my life it's something I know I need to overcome so my life can progress. I already got a new job and now I just need to keep working and welcoming change into my life. I'm long overdue for life to start. It's time to stop looking down, for all of us. ♥

2 comments:

  1. I'm in so much admiration of you. I'm in a similar point in my life so everything here is something familiar to me. Thank you for the positive message.

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    Replies
    1. You are lovely, Rachel. ♥ I'm here if you ever want to talk x

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