It's funny how when you grow up some of your personality as a child stays the same and other things change.
Mum and I were driving to work the other morning when I asked the question "what was I like as a child?" I wanted to know what I thought about, talked about and what I enjoyed back then.
She told me that I liked crafts, being with adults in the middle of all the action and that I was quite a needy child. I also didn't like to share, was very stubborn and rarely played with kids my own age but would hang out with our neighbour who was 7 years older than me. Almost all of that is true for me right now - I don't like to hang out with people my own age, I'm still extremely stubborn and needy (only inwardly) and I hate to share.
We grow and change so much, especially once we leave high school and have more experiences but in some ways you're still the same person you were at 7 or 8 years old. I remember distinct feelings and moments and exactly what I thought during some primary school moments and I still think the same way now. Maybe I appeared differently on the outside than I do now but I don't think my mind has changed at all.
For me, I justified not getting close to anyone I really liked with "I'm protecting them. If I don't hug them they won't die." It's very sad and I'm only just getting over it now. Whilst looking through old family pictures I notice how in every picture of dad & I that we're touching in some way or looking at each other. When he left so did my affection towards people. It takes a lot of energy and courage for me to hug someone. People actually say to me now "I know you don't like hugs" even though I haven't said "don't hug me" in about 5 years.
I suppose I better stop now before I work myself up. I know this post was extremely jumbled so I'm sorry if you found it hard to follow. Sometimes emotions and my brain are jumbled and there's not much I can do about it.