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Saturday, September 07, 2013

Your standards are too high.


My friend said this to me a couple of weeks ago and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. 

We were talking about what the "ideal guy" would be like. Bare in mind that she's only dated one person who is her current boyfriend of four years and I've not dated at all in my adult life. She regularly says to me that she's unhappy or he annoys her and asks for my advice a lot - their relationship definitely isn't perfect and I personally don't think she is very happy in it. They've been together since she was 17 - she's now 21. Her parents also don't have a great relationship and have struggled a lot.

Getting back on track, I was describing qualities I would like in a future husband such as:
  • Can't be homophobic, sexist, racist, or any other 'ist' 
  • Genuine, honest (but not in a blunt/nasty way)
  • Wants a family & to be married
  • Doesn't carry a lot of hate
  • Relatively smart - not necessarily 'intelligent', more like not dumb. I have quite a lot of thoughts and things I want to discuss and I need someone that I can talk to. 
  • Open minded about the world
  • Adventurous - likes to do a lot of activities but can also stay at home and be content
  • Can carry the conversation most of the time, but can also listen. Mostly I just want my feelings validated by the person I'm with.
  • Accepts me as I am
  • Good with finances (not a requirement, just a preference because I'm terrible with money)

I don't feel any of these are asking for anything specific - apart from smart and talkative, but a listener. The rest I think are just basic qualities that make up a good person. However, after reeling off the list she said to me your standards are too high. That really rubbed me the wrong way at the time so I just simply said "I don't think so". I've thought about it a lot since and have come to the conclusion that so many people hear from others that they should lower their standards and I hate it. Just because your parents or someone you know says that doesn't mean you should listen and put their negative advice into action. You need to think about what they're saying and correlate it with their relationship. Are they happy? If not, then don't listen to them. If they have an unhealthy relationship, don't listen to them. You can take in what they're saying and make up your own mind about your own life and relationships.

I think by lowering your standards you're bound to end up in an unhappy, unsatisfying relationship. I do think the people you fall in love with will surprise you and won't be exactly who you thought that you'd end up with and that's great. It's great to be surprised.... but I'm not going to lower my standards and just get into a relationship with any guy and settle for second best. Pretty much everyone I know has settled in their relationships and I refuse to be like that. A lot of people just don't know what they want or need so they do lower their standards.

Think about what you need and want from a partner. What kind of person could you spend your life with? Figure it out and don't settle for second best.  I'm going to keep my standards high and my eyes open and see who comes along and I think you should do the same.

Love,
Erin

4 comments:

  1. To be honest, your list doesn't seem unrealistic at all. There are people out there in the world just like that, I know it. It gives me some faith in humanity. See, I think the entire system is more inclined towards give-and-take. Those who lower their standards are undoubtedly going to find it easier to form a romantic relationship with someone, but it also comes with dissatisfaction.
    I do admire your posts like these, when you have something to say (and pardon you, your opinions are extremely valuable to read). Good people may have to wait for the right one to come along, but it will surely be a worthwhile wait indeed. You honestly couldn't have said it better. Coming from a witness of constant parental conflict, I surprisingly wouldn't 'take what I can get'. I think it's very weak for people to settle for second best, and only those who are strong will find their soulmate. (This may sound very odd as I'm only 14, haha, but I don't think my mindset will change.)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! I agree that it's easier when you have low standards (or none) but it's not better. I think patience wins out in the end. At least I hpoe so.

      I do admire your posts like these, when you have something to say (and pardon you, your opinions are extremely valuable to read). - that's all I want in life so it really means a lot to me that you said that.

      I think it's very weak for people to settle for second best, and only those who are strong will find their soulmate.
      I completely agree.

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  2. This doesn't seem like they're too high at all! In fact, I think they're perfectly reasonable and I agree with 100% of them. Personally I have lowered my standards because I thought I was being unrealistic about relationships and that is one of the things I regret most. It turned to shit, basically. To be honest, I'd rather be alone that sacrifice my standards just to be in a relationship. But that's me and my past.

    Good on you for not settling! I know it's something that you really want, but I honestly believe that if you wait for the one that fits your ideals, it'll be worth it. And honesly, this list is so freaking reasonable. I don't really see how anyone could say it's too high of a standard. Jeez.

    Also about five of your posts suddenly appeared on my blogger reading list thingy which is weird because the other comments on the posts are from a few days ago. I have no idea what happened there...

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! I just think so many people are jaded and negative and have low self-esteem so they try to bring others down. And I refuse to let that happen to me or do it to others.

      To be honest, I'd rather be alone that sacrifice my standards just to be in a relationship.
      I feel the exact same way. Why settle for a mediocre relationship that's not satisfying? To me that's more lonely that actually being alone.

      Ahh that's weird! Hopefully it fixes itself soon. Thanks for your comment love <3

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I appreciate every single comment and do my best to respond to every one. If you would like to connect further you can find me on twitter at @BeingErinBlog.