When I got home later that day I was just scrolling through Tumblr like usual when I stumbled across a Social Anxiety test. I scored 58/68 and if I'm being really honest I downplayed a couple of my answers and made them a 3 or 4 instead of a 5 so if I did the test with complete honesty I would've scored over 60.
|I can't draw for shit clearly but this is a Pigma Micron 03 pen & Dylusions Ink Sprays with Tim Holtz's Water Brushes|
I can remember back to when I was five years old on my first day of school and felt the same way. Obviously every kid feels nervous and anxious but mine was to a really extreme level, even then. I distinctly remember an instance from grade 8 where I was involved in a debate - it was boys versus girls and I got so worked up and heated about it that when I finally got up there no words came out so I looked like an idiot. I've always had a massive fear of looking like an idiot or stupid because those are two of the worst things I could be which I now realise is a massive part of social anxiety.
If I had written this post on Monday night it would have been full of rage, anger and hurt but now I feel okay about it. It gives me a reason as to why I feel and behave the way I do. I know it's not good and I'm hoping I can work on it and get better but for now, I'm going to live the same way I have my whole life and simply manage it and see if maybe just knowing about it will make me feel more comfortable with myself in front of others.
Please leave me a comment if you struggle with social anxiety - let me know what it's like for you and if you do anything to manage it.