Lack of inspiration and completely bored with my life sums up everything at the moment. It's strange because I've felt like this for quite a while, nearly the whole year in fact but I guess this is me just finally expressing it. For the better part of 2014 so far I've been very unmotivated, lonely. Last year was quite a monumental one for me as I graduated from university, got my first job and most importantly, started seeing a psychologist so I could overcome the grief I was still holding on to. With a lot of hard work the psychologist really helped and I've found peace and have overcome the grief that was holding be back so much. I was clutching at that grief and nothing else since I was 8 years old (11 years) and going into 2014 I knew I would be different because it was gone. Now I'm stuck in a place where I don't really know what to do with myself because it's no longer there.
In a way I grieve all the opportunities I lost whilst grieving the loss of my dad. School really isn't a time you get back and I really wish I could relive it and do it differently.
I haven't really experienced anything most twenty-somethings have. Never had a real relationship, smoked anything or had a hangover. Never had a best friend I did absolutely everything with or travelled to an exotic location in the summer. I've never even taken a risk. In a way I grieve that I'm not a super fun, adventurous person. Viewing life from the sidelines and that makes it really hard to be the leading lady of your own life.
The worst thing is that I know this isn't something I should moan about, I know that it can change and that it's all down to me. It's my own fault and I'm my own worst enemy. I am fortunate and privileged enough to grow up somewhere where I could have or be nearly anything, yet I'm nothing. The one thing I know will truly make me happy is having a family of my own and that life seems so far away.
Anyway, I think I'm going to take a little hiatus from this blog. Though every time I say something like this I'm all of a sudden struck with inspiration. Talk soon.