Wednesday, 27 August 2014

Social Anxiety

Monday was kind of a weird day for me. I was sitting with a co-worker and talking about how I didn't really do much on the weekend and need to conserve energy before hanging out with people and she point blank asked me if I have a social phobia? That bothered me a bit but I just answered no.

When I got home later that day I was just scrolling through Tumblr like usual when I stumbled across a Social Anxiety test. I scored 58/68 and if I'm being really honest I downplayed a couple of my answers and made them a 3 or 4 instead of a 5 so if I did the test with complete honesty I would've scored over 60.
I can't draw for shit clearly but this is a Pigma Micron 03 pen & Dylusions Ink Sprays with Tim Holtz's Water Brushes
At first, my mind was spinning so I started reading about social anxiety and nearly every point described me. Monday night I was crying and having a break down about it - partly because I'm angry and partly because I was upset that I didn't find out sooner. I was also a little bit confused - I've watched youtube videos and seen numerous posts about anxiety and panic attacks and honestly never really related to them because I've never suffered from panic attacks. I tend to be a 'go with the flow' kind of person as opposed to a really uptight and stressed one but at the same time when I'm with people or even in public at all I really am anxious - I fidget, I'm extremely uncomfortable and sometimes paranoid.

I can remember back to when I was five years old on my first day of school and felt the same way. Obviously every kid feels nervous and anxious but mine was to a really extreme level, even then. I distinctly remember an instance from grade 8 where I was involved in a debate - it was boys versus girls and I got so worked up and heated about it that when I finally got up there no words came out so I looked like an idiot. I've always had a massive fear of looking like an idiot or stupid because those are two of the worst things I could be which I now realise is a massive part of social anxiety.

If I had written this post on Monday night it would have been full of rage, anger and hurt but now I feel okay about it. It gives me a reason as to why I feel and behave the way I do. I know it's not good and I'm hoping I can work on it and get better but for now, I'm going to live the same way I have my whole life and simply manage it and see if maybe just knowing about it will make me feel more comfortable with myself in front of others.

Please leave me a comment if you struggle with social anxiety - let me know what it's like for you and if you do anything to manage it.

Thursday, 21 August 2014

Brisbane Ekka 2014

Last Wednesday my mum & I went to the Brisbane Ekka! Honestly it wasn't that great, but I loved taking pictures and thought I'd share them with you.
Sky high.
The crowd was mental.
This one cracks me up. These are the kind of faces you get when you take photos of strangers without their knowledge. 
Ferris wheel
Classic creepy clowns...
Selfies for days. 
Was quickly passing by, wish I had stayed a bit longer.
This girl was so sweet and beautiful - I'm gad the photo captured her well.

Wednesday, 20 August 2014

Last days of Winter.

I'm pretty lucky to live where I live. The Gold Coast has never been my favourite place but I really do appreciate the beautiful weather we get, even in winter! I get to wear dresses nearly every day and rarely have to layer up cardigans or jackets... and I never wear a coat. Sure, there is something cozy and fashionable about wearing a coat but I don't fare well in layers as I feel a bit like a stuffed animal or a pig in a blanket.

In some ways not being able to experience snow or truly cold weather in my country is a shame but there are so many people around the world that would kill to have bright blue skies and clear ocean water like I have every day so I'm really starting to appreciate the weather we get.
The view from my balcony
Spring is just around the corner and I'm excited. I'm completely looking forward to the beautiful fresh days and the sun staying up just a little bit later. Spring is all about new beginnings and I look forward to mine.